Is it weird . . . ?

Is it weird that I just want my face to be touched, to be caressed, so badly right now?

I know that usually my posts are more about things other than the heart and it’s longings, (or are they… 😏) but right now, since my seizures, I care so much less about anyone else’s opinion of me. I’m happy and comfortable with the woman that I am, and I just couldn’t care less if anyone has anything to say about it.

(Oh yeah, I had a few seizures about a week ago, just as I accepted a new position at a PreSchool in a YMCA in central Pennsylvania, I almost forgot to mention that)

As an adult that deals with a few dozen developing children brains on a week-daily basis, I am brought back to the very basis of mature thought and understanding on a daily basis. This helps my brain to remember the important things in life and what others think of me just really isn’t one of them. What is important is that I feel that what I do, who I am, is good and just and fair. I almost don’t even care what the PreSchoolers and my coworkers think of me.

*Let me take a break right here and say that I really do care what my coworkers think of me. Their approval and cooperation is vital in the success of my career. I would also like to accentuate that I am not being careless about the public’s opinion of me, I’m just confident in the caliber of person I am and my good standing in society.*

Let’s put it like this: I know that God loves me for the goodness and pureness if my heart, I don’t think too much of the need for high opinions of people, even the people that I regularly interact with.

I’m coming out of the last stages of my brain injury and I am realizing that I am whoever I am and nothing can make me different except for myself. I don’t mind the opinions of others, I don’t need approval and I can just continue with how i behave towards others with confidence that who I am is a good and well brought up woman, who is also deeply loved by God. I know that how I live is good. My heart is content with that.

It might be weird that I wish to be caressed, to be loved affectionately, but it is not wrong and it is nothing to be ashamed of.

I hope that all of my readers are doing well in their lives, I hope all of you are as content and at peace with your lives as I find myself right now.

Tout de ma cœur. 💋💋

Camping and the after-effects

Hey folks! ❤

I returned last night from  a lovely week of camping and a not-so-lovely ride home.

First of all things, my TBI reared it’s ugly head and I threw a fit like a three year old child in public. Second, the tire popped on one of our vehicles and it was near the national reservoir and park overnight where my Dad has to go and pick it up today.

The day before we left my cousins left, one of my cousins had his daughter, who I fell in love with the instant I saw her. She’s two years old and she is so unbelievably well behaved I hardly think of her as only two years old, except the diaper. Oh my, she was so sweet! I love baby hugs and kisses! ❤

My, sister’s girlfriend, my littlest sister and I all took turns walking down to the rocky beach with her to throw rocks into the water. That was her favorite activity of the week.  Oh my goodness, she was so sweet! 🙂 I love babies. ❤

I love my cousins so much! I was so happy to see them through the last week. I just wish that I got to see my cousins more often like I used to. We seem to only get together now for weddings and funerals. This year, we had no funerals (thank God!) and no weddings. But next year, I believe two or three cousin weddings are planned, and I intend to get everyone out to my family’s ‘plantation’ for a 4th of July party, if possible. I’m not sure how I can swing it, though, because most of my cousins have jobs and stuff and I probably (hopefully) will too. 🙂

My family is so important to me, I could not possibly express how much they matter to me  with something as plain as words.

Love

Hello beloved readers,

Today I’m in Lille France and I just got back from spending a few hours at a local museum with some famous paintings. I’m exhausted from walking so much, but I’ve been hanging out in the community room (for wifi purposes only). But, I sincerely hope to change that tomorrow morning or afternoon. . . . Whenever I can get to it.

I truly want to be sleeping . . . all the time this month. Why don’t I get to hibernate? Ugh. 😜 

Haha. I’m such a college student. 😏

I am definitely ready to be done next winter. I really can’t wait to be finished with college and searching for or doing a job that I love. 😊😘

I’m just going to struggle finding something that I really excellent at because I’m not really GREAT at anything in particular. I’m just good at a decent number of various things. Maybe I should try to make a living by traveling and writing about it. But, I would need a side job, or two to make sure the cash flow was relatively steady.

Oh my! My dreams are too big for this little thing called reality. 😂

It’s unfortunate that I was so well studied before college because now I know of so many thoughts things and I have an extremely hard time finding one thing to be passionate about. I love serving others. I love feeding others. I love loving others. I love caring for others. I love meeting other people around the world. I love.

If you’re reading this right now, and a job is popping into your head for me, I encourage you (BEG YOU!) to message me and tell me what it is!!

Seriously people!! I don’t know where I want to be, or what I want to do with my life! 🌍 💜💜💜💜 help?! 

I’ve been so busy trying to get settled into my residence at Lille that I haven’t had much time for blogging, or writing in my journal. 

With the wifi that I REALLY hope to get tomorrow, I hope to radically change that. I haven’t been myself for the last week, and I couldn’t figure out why until I picked up my journal earlier, but I noticed how much better I felt after writing for about ten minutes. After writing some of this blog, I feel fan-freaking-tastic! So I’m more determined than ever to make this work for me! ☺️

I feel kinda like it’ll be a little difficult to buy a router with a big enough for the whole building. I just want to be a provider of Internet for all of my friends and fellow Catho-Summer-2016 students. 

I just realized that I can write on WordPress and it’ll save for me without a wifi connection. 

WORDPRESS IS THE BEST!! 😘💜

I’m laying here in bed, typing this post with one finger while my music plays in the background. 😜 Haha.  I should probably go downstairs and get some wifi on my computer so that I don’t make my finger sore. 😏 Haha. I’m hungry, I think I’ll grab a banana. 🙃 

The banana was joined by a croissant [krwa-sont] and some sweet wine (because I’m in France, so why not?! ).   😘🍷🍞🍌💜 

Haha! I LOVE being able to buy my own alcohol! It’s so much easier than when I wasn’t old enough! 😘🍷💜💋 

Plus, being in a city and literally 10-20 meters from a European grocery store with beer and wine makes it take me only about 15 minutes to go pick out some raspberry (favorite flavor) wine. ☺️

I love my family and friends more than words can describe, but I sincerely can not wait until I’m living on my own, trying to keep my life together all by myself!! 😘

Feels like Forever

Today, on the third to last day of March, in my twenty second year of life, I am exhausted. I am feeling like I am at the end of my rope. I just want to lay down and curl up in a ball, never to need to get up again. I’m pretty sure that the young man, ‘my’ young man (whom I have mentioned being romantically interested in) found my blog. Meh.

I feel that way because he recently mentioned that he only wants to be friends. And, I mean, that’s cool. I can live with that. I just need someone, preferably a man, to whom I can vent and release all of my anxiety and stressors in life.

Oh well. I’m not ashamed of my own thoughts or feelings. I am, however, embarrassed that I put them online, where the whole world has access to them. He’s probably pretty upset about that.

Well, whatever. This is who I am, I like to vent. I am sorry if that is a problem. I don’t plan to stop.

In fact, I feel like I am being so much more productive when I’ve posted one or two blogs a day.  That is probably because I ‘have to’ post blogs on a weekly, or a bi-weekly basis for my advisor/professor. I just feel like someone out there in the world actually needs to see that they are not the only person in the world who is experiencing academic anxiety, relationship struggles or any of the other myriad of problems that I have.

So, yes. Helping others makes me feel like I am sane, like I am, in some way, listened to. Helping makes me feel like I matter. Even if it’s something small, like leading my partially blind friend Bennet to the Hall he needs to go to on campus, or holding the door for anyone, I feel like my presence on this glorious planet counts for some good.

Said ‘beau’ (romantic interest) may be reading this, so I am trying to censor my words to not call him out, or anything. But, I like, very much, to feel like I matter. It is important to me that I attend Church most Sundays, that I am a member of Protestant Campus Ministry here at my college, that I continue to write for the student newspaper, that I am a good sister to my three little siblings, that I am a good daughter, cousin, niece, grand daughter and most importantly friend to everyone that I know and care about. I just want to feel that my existence is serving a purpose for God. He kept me alive to be His light on others, to tell of His mercy, and His love. I live to glorify Him. Other than that, I am not really here.

I think that I sometimes forget that and I seek to be exalted for my own name. Often, when I do that, I receive a nudge from God about something, however small it may be (such as a slight pain in my body), to glorify His name, not my own. I must remember that nothing I do would be possible, at all, if He had not carried me for those three long months in 2010.

I am so young, only twenty-two years old, and I have so much left of life to learn, discover and conquer. I am not in a rush for anything.

Last night, I attended an International banquet/celebration at my university, and I was talking with one of the younger Spanish professors about the fact that I do not hurry. As I said that to him, I realized the truth behind my words. Yes, I do rush to the bus sometimes in order to get home quickly, but other than that, I truly do not rush or hurry through life.

I want to go about everything very slowly, in order to absorb more, instead of rushing and missing the ‘good stuff’ that life has to offer.

One thing that I learned today has to do with ‘wisdom’ and measuring words before you speak them. Solomon mentions the term at least once in Proverbs 12:15-16. In Proverbs 12:15-16, Solomon talks about a fool who ‘has right in his own eyes’, yet a wise man  ‘listens to advice’, moving on to talk in 12:16 about a fool’s vexation being ‘known at once’, while ‘the prudent ignores an insult’, showing the importance of developing words before you speak them. There,  Solomon is telling us that silence often means wisdom. Do not be afraid to be silent, it only means that you are absorbing more, making less of a fool of yourself.

That is not to say that you should never speak, just that you should carefully weigh your words before you speak them.

.

The title of this post was to signify the fact that I do not post often enough. Maybe that is why I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed for the last three days. I’ll have to make it a point to post more often. It significantly calms me down.

With these thoughts, I leave you, to do some things for school.

A bientôt!

~Aly Mae ❤