Is it weird . . . ?

Is it weird that I just want my face to be touched, to be caressed, so badly right now?

I know that usually my posts are more about things other than the heart and it’s longings, (or are they… 😏) but right now, since my seizures, I care so much less about anyone else’s opinion of me. I’m happy and comfortable with the woman that I am, and I just couldn’t care less if anyone has anything to say about it.

(Oh yeah, I had a few seizures about a week ago, just as I accepted a new position at a PreSchool in a YMCA in central Pennsylvania, I almost forgot to mention that)

As an adult that deals with a few dozen developing children brains on a week-daily basis, I am brought back to the very basis of mature thought and understanding on a daily basis. This helps my brain to remember the important things in life and what others think of me just really isn’t one of them. What is important is that I feel that what I do, who I am, is good and just and fair. I almost don’t even care what the PreSchoolers and my coworkers think of me.

*Let me take a break right here and say that I really do care what my coworkers think of me. Their approval and cooperation is vital in the success of my career. I would also like to accentuate that I am not being careless about the public’s opinion of me, I’m just confident in the caliber of person I am and my good standing in society.*

Let’s put it like this: I know that God loves me for the goodness and pureness if my heart, I don’t think too much of the need for high opinions of people, even the people that I regularly interact with.

I’m coming out of the last stages of my brain injury and I am realizing that I am whoever I am and nothing can make me different except for myself. I don’t mind the opinions of others, I don’t need approval and I can just continue with how i behave towards others with confidence that who I am is a good and well brought up woman, who is also deeply loved by God. I know that how I live is good. My heart is content with that.

It might be weird that I wish to be caressed, to be loved affectionately, but it is not wrong and it is nothing to be ashamed of.

I hope that all of my readers are doing well in their lives, I hope all of you are as content and at peace with your lives as I find myself right now.

Tout de ma cœur. 💋💋

Camping and the after-effects

Hey folks! ❤

I returned last night from  a lovely week of camping and a not-so-lovely ride home.

First of all things, my TBI reared it’s ugly head and I threw a fit like a three year old child in public. Second, the tire popped on one of our vehicles and it was near the national reservoir and park overnight where my Dad has to go and pick it up today.

The day before we left my cousins left, one of my cousins had his daughter, who I fell in love with the instant I saw her. She’s two years old and she is so unbelievably well behaved I hardly think of her as only two years old, except the diaper. Oh my, she was so sweet! I love baby hugs and kisses! ❤

My, sister’s girlfriend, my littlest sister and I all took turns walking down to the rocky beach with her to throw rocks into the water. That was her favorite activity of the week.  Oh my goodness, she was so sweet! 🙂 I love babies. ❤

I love my cousins so much! I was so happy to see them through the last week. I just wish that I got to see my cousins more often like I used to. We seem to only get together now for weddings and funerals. This year, we had no funerals (thank God!) and no weddings. But next year, I believe two or three cousin weddings are planned, and I intend to get everyone out to my family’s ‘plantation’ for a 4th of July party, if possible. I’m not sure how I can swing it, though, because most of my cousins have jobs and stuff and I probably (hopefully) will too. 🙂

My family is so important to me, I could not possibly express how much they matter to me  with something as plain as words.

The rest of my summer

Hey folks!

It’s the 5th of July and I’m still a bit confused as to how I’m going to spend the rest of my summer. I got back from a month in France about two weeks ago (I feel so classy, saying that, but I’m really just in bigger debt now) and my parents have given me good reason not to work for the rest of the summer. But, I intend to volunteer somewhere in or near my hometown for the rest of the summer.

The ideal spot for me to volunteer is a library near my town, the library in my town (my preference) or maybe a garden near my town.

Unfortunately, the library is overstaffed and I would not be able to volunteer there until this (fall) semester during my last semester of undergraduate courses. Now, because my life goal is to become a librarian, I feel that it is well worth it for me to volunteer at the library in the fall semester. However, after I complete that semester, I will probably be working full time somewhere that I can find benefits along with a full-time income.

Of course, it’s ideal for me to work IN my town, so that I can take my siblings to school, but I’m not sure how attainable that goal is. There are several places looking for full time employees in my hometown, so I might find luck with one of them, but I’m still unsure of that. So, I’m looking into joining up with Americorps. for the first year after I graduate from college. 🙃 Americorps. is a full time government job (benefits, and all!) so I’m pretty excited about that possibility.

In fact, it’s probably going to happen. I have an interview with my local Americorps. representative on Thursday afternoon to discuss more about me and why I belong in Americorps. ☺️

I’m pretty stoked! This is a government job, . . . minimal pay, but still. ! ! It’s a great way to possibly get involved in Nonprofit organizations in my future!

. 😃 I could give books away to less fortunate children and adults! 😃

I still want to end up as a librarian somewhere in Ireland, but this is a fantastic start to my getting there! 🙃

Just think . . . I spend 3 or 4 years expanding my network (volunteering/nonprofit work) in the states, I’ll make some money, make some friends in Ireland during my demi-annual (semi? every other/once every 2 years is what I mean) summer trip there and I’ll be off to Ireland before I know it! All I need to do is follow through with my crazy unrealistic and idealistic dreams! I just have to believe in myself all the way through the Atlantic Ocean to Ireland and . . . bam! . . . Dreams realized. 😘🇨🇮💜

All that I need to do is finish strong and work really hard with Americorps. after college to set myself up for librarianship in Ireland.    📚☘💋

Hah . . . I make it sound like it’s going to be super easy for me to do, but in reality, I am going to struggle through my last semester of college and I’m going to have to rapidly change my lifestyle after college in order to fit into America’s workforce. But, I can promise that all of this hard work during college is going to be so well worth it once I get into the professional world and start preparing to move to Ireland.

Once I get to Ireland, I promise, every single experience that I’ve had in my life will suddenly come full circle to be entirely worth it (if not essential) for me to have had. As I finish up paying off debts and preparing to move to Ireland, I am going to publish my book about recovering from Traumatic to Catastrophic Brain Injury and I will be working full time at a library near to where my parents live in order to cut living expenses. But, once I’ve paid off college debt and gathered enough for permanent residence in Ireland, I am definitely living there!

I’m not moving to Ireland to escape anything in the United States, I just belong there. That’s what my heart told me when I traveled there eight years ago with People to People, a recently disbanded student ambassador organization commenced by Dwight D Eisenhower a few decades ago. My friend could attest to the fact that I was glowing with joy and pure content when I was there before. He remembers it well. ☺️

I repeat. I am not escaping anything in the US, I am just following my calling. I belong in Ireland. I can not explain it, I could not tell you how I know, or why I belong there. But, that is where I belong.

The more I talk about it, (type it) the more I feel the truth in my heart. Ireland is my home, even though I met not have a home there yet. Ireland is my home.

With all of that, I’m going outside to help my Dad in the yard. I will hopefully be back sometime this summer! 😘😘

All of my love,

Alexandra Mae 💜

XoXo

Better than that

Hello, my lovely readers,

I’ve tried so very hard to keep romantic interests out of my life and out of my way until I finish my undergraduate degree, and I’ve done an alright job at it. I’ve had a few flings that were truly nothing more than flings, but I’ve guarded my heart pretty well in the five years I’ve been at college.

Since IM GRADUATING IN DECEMBER, I’ve thought a little bit  into what kind of guys I’d like to date after I graduate. I’ve essentially come to the conclusion, several times, that there is no ‘type’ of guy for me. All that I want in my life is someone that will care for me and love me for the strange, abnormal person that I am. I’m quirky, I’m weird, I’m anything but what some people refer to as normal. I have this theory that normal is a word used to describe someone that you don’t really know, so I use that word with hesitance in describing myself.

I’m going to waste a few hours (maybe less) in thinking about what I hope for in a partner (boyfriend). Good thing I’m not at home, my Mom would shoot me for doing this when I have so much French homework.

At the moment, I am 113% single and have no true romantic interest. Well, that’s a lie, I do like this one guy, but I have a VERY time reading him and understanding what he’s all about.

In a man, I hope for someone who is strong (mentally, emotionally and psychologically and physically wouldn’t hurt his chances too bad) and able to handle the mess that is Alexandra Mae (me). I would like to know that he is financially stable and able to provide for me and my three basic needs (shelter, food, water) and will have the ability to create a safe and healthy lifestyle for a family. Educated men are the sexiest to me, but so long as he can provide the other things, I don’t even care if he finished high school.

That pretty much sums it all up. But there are, of course, little things that I would like. When I say little things, I mean nice things being done for me like being willing to hold the door for me, or spurprise me with little things such as me coming home from work to see all of the laundry done and the dishwasher running.

I’m fairly simple minded, making me happy doesn’t require much work. Everyone that knows me well knows that I go overboard when it comes to doing nice things for people that are good to me.

I absolutely love to cook and clean so I would have made a great housewife, but I hate to waste the thousands of dollars spent on my education by being a housewife.

I think that I need to be an inspirational speaker, or something to spread the word about TBI victims and possibly facilitate some research being done to help the recovery of TBI victims. I just need to learn to talk about my traumatic experience without getting emotional. Yet I don’t want to seem heartless . . . . . I don’t even know! You see? I’m a mess! Maybe I should straighten myself out, then think about dating someone. I have a hard time focusing as well, apparently. 😜 Haha. Ah, C’est ma vie.😳

Well, I like guys. I like guys that will provide for (with) me. I like guys that are not embarrassed to be seen with me. I like the ones that seem ‘normal’ but are actually weird and querky like me.

I hope that I’ve taught you guys something about the true thoughts of a woman.

(I will be in love with you immediately if you know what this is from->) 🖖🏼

Keep those Complimenets coming! :)

Hello, everyone. 🙂

This weekend, after a few days of talking to someone that actually admires my blogs, which I’m completely not used to, I feel like I could . . . . I don’t know, do something crazy and fun. 🙂  But, I will just write a blog, instead. 😉

I’m happy, to say the least. ❤

I am not used to being complimented on my style of writing, usually I just get constructive criticism and a (less than perfect) grade. :p

I think that I may have previously come across another person who enjoyed my blog. But usually, if it’s looked at, at all, it’s to see how well I understood something or how I’m doing since my Traumatic Brain Injury a few years ago. :p

Please don’t misinterpret what I said before, I appreciate the constructive criticism very much, but I really do like to hear that I am saying something that someone other than my professor deems worthy of reading.

I am sitting here in my room, with cold toes, (:p) getting lost in the music that I have downloaded onto my iPhone, thinking about the very slight ways in which I am able to impact the lives of others as ministers and pastors and other religious leaders impact the lives of others on at least a weekly basis.
In church this morning, there were several messages  in the Sermon at the church that I attended.

One of the messages was that Christ’s ‘tough love’ is a grace of God and should be rendered as such in daily life . . . . . . . . . As we go through life’s struggles, we must remember that each thing that we overcome will only make us stronger human beings. . .
Take me for example! I went through a very physically, emotionally and mentally difficult experience, but I am so much stronger now that I ever even dreamed of being before.
Another message that I picked up on at church this morning was how important it is to follow the way of God. After God has commanded that something be done, it will be done. (Bible as Literature course lecture, Dr. Martin, September, 2015)
As discussed by the Pastor in church today, we are to ‘Trust and Obey His Command(ment)s. While she was preaching to the small congregation this morning, Pastor Hardy discussed the importance of following God’s Commandments and abiding by His will. She talked about how immensely important it is to follow His prominent 10 commandments, in order to be accepted into Heaven after being led by His Hand and His staff in this far less than perfect world.

Part of the said ‘far less than imperfect world” we are brought into is a world of rude, harsh (often downright mean) people and expected to come into adulthood as innocent, good and forgiving people as Christians, or any ‘type’ of  people, if you want to segregate or even ‘classify’ people.

This has been my experience of the world so far, anyway. Well, at least my experience of the small region that I have lived most of my life in. It is because I have lived such a wonderful, yet sheltered, life (but have experienced other peoples and cultures) that I dream of living in vastly different places with different languages, foods and new faces around me on a regular basis. Because of my experience of being sheltered and protected for the last 22 years, I want to learn about the world outside of the small bubble that I’ve been raised in. ❤

Believe it or not, I love my little ‘bubble’ of protection and being sheltered very much, I just feel like I need to see how exactly it is, OUTSIDE of my bubble and protection of ‘home’ and ‘love’ and ‘family’. Because of this wondering and deep desire to explore the world, my thoughts are often very scatterbrained and it’s because my scatterbrained thoughts often get put down or refuted so strongly that I hesitate to speak at all such as in class or with people that I don’t know well and feel like they will disagree with what I am saying, etc.  ❤

However!! This new acquaintance that I’ve made, along with previous admirers, renews the faith that I have in humanity.

I have said before that I’m pretty much like a five year old in the way that I see the world because of my car accident injuries, but with the body and experiences of a 22 year old. That makes some people think I’m weird, but I choose to be optimistic, and I don’t care that some people think I’m strange. There are some who think that I am worthy of compliments, and there is ONE who deems me worthy of life everyday. ❤

Because of the ONE who deems me worthy of life, and the few who think me worthy of compliments, I choose to caution myself against the many who think I am ‘sub-par’ and unworthy.  ❤

How about you?; Do you have ‘haters’? Do you have people that are behind you no matter what?

If not, please allow me to introduce you to a man that I know named Jesus. He will always love you and think that you are perfect just the way that you are.

If you don’t want to hear about Him, I will try my best to let you know just how great you are. 😉

God Bless all who have stumbled through my ramblings, and even those who have skipped to the end.

With Most Sincere Love,

Alexandra Mae