Today, on the third to last day of March, in my twenty second year of life, I am exhausted. I am feeling like I am at the end of my rope. I just want to lay down and curl up in a ball, never to need to get up again. I’m pretty sure that the young man, ‘my’ young man (whom I have mentioned being romantically interested in) found my blog. Meh. 
I feel that way because he recently mentioned that he only wants to be friends. And, I mean, that’s cool. I can live with that. I just need someone, preferably a man, to whom I can vent and release all of my anxiety and stressors in life.
Oh well. I’m not ashamed of my own thoughts or feelings. I am, however, embarrassed that I put them online, where the whole world has access to them. He’s probably pretty upset about that.
Well, whatever. This is who I am, I like to vent. I am sorry if that is a problem. I don’t plan to stop.
In fact, I feel like I am being so much more productive when I’ve posted one or two blogs a day. That is probably because I ‘have to’ post blogs on a weekly, or a bi-weekly basis for my advisor/professor. I just feel like someone out there in the world actually needs to see that they are not the only person in the world who is experiencing academic anxiety, relationship struggles or any of the other myriad of problems that I have.
So, yes. Helping others makes me feel like I am sane, like I am, in some way, listened to. Helping makes me feel like I matter. Even if it’s something small, like leading my partially blind friend Bennet to the Hall he needs to go to on campus, or holding the door for anyone, I feel like my presence on this glorious planet counts for some good.
Said ‘beau’ (romantic interest) may be reading this, so I am trying to censor my words to not call him out, or anything. But, I like, very much, to feel like I matter. It is important to me that I attend Church most Sundays, that I am a member of Protestant Campus Ministry here at my college, that I continue to write for the student newspaper, that I am a good sister to my three little siblings, that I am a good daughter, cousin, niece, grand daughter and most importantly friend to everyone that I know and care about. I just want to feel that my existence is serving a purpose for God. He kept me alive to be His light on others, to tell of His mercy, and His love. I live to glorify Him. Other than that, I am not really here.
I think that I sometimes forget that and I seek to be exalted for my own name. Often, when I do that, I receive a nudge from God about something, however small it may be (such as a slight pain in my body), to glorify His name, not my own. I must remember that nothing I do would be possible, at all, if He had not carried me for those three long months in 2010.
I am so young, only twenty-two years old, and I have so much left of life to learn, discover and conquer. I am not in a rush for anything.
Last night, I attended an International banquet/celebration at my university, and I was talking with one of the younger Spanish professors about the fact that I do not hurry. As I said that to him, I realized the truth behind my words. Yes, I do rush to the bus sometimes in order to get home quickly, but other than that, I truly do not rush or hurry through life.
I want to go about everything very slowly, in order to absorb more, instead of rushing and missing the ‘good stuff’ that life has to offer.
One thing that I learned today has to do with ‘wisdom’ and measuring words before you speak them. Solomon mentions the term at least once in Proverbs 12:15-16. In Proverbs 12:15-16, Solomon talks about a fool who ‘has right in his own eyes’, yet a wise man ‘listens to advice’, moving on to talk in 12:16 about a fool’s vexation being ‘known at once’, while ‘the prudent ignores an insult’, showing the importance of developing words before you speak them. There, Solomon is telling us that silence often means wisdom. Do not be afraid to be silent, it only means that you are absorbing more, making less of a fool of yourself.
That is not to say that you should never speak, just that you should carefully weigh your words before you speak them.
.
The title of this post was to signify the fact that I do not post often enough. Maybe that is why I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed for the last three days. I’ll have to make it a point to post more often. It significantly calms me down.
With these thoughts, I leave you, to do some things for school.
A bientôt!
~Aly Mae ❤
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